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―Jason Voorhees

Friday the 13th is Jason Voorhees's birthday, which means he has one fucked up age.



Jason was once a kid with a face that really stretched the definition of "a face only a mother could love." Naturally, being a deformed freak of nature, other kids were assholes to him and played many juvenille pranks on him, like pushing him into the Camp Crystal Lake lake where he drowned and died. Kids these days!

Royally pissed that a bunch of kids drowned her deformed son, Pamela Voorhees decides to take revenge on the counselors...because they were busy drinking and having sex instead of watching the blood thirsty asshole kids drown her son...makes sense. So Pamela starts killing them all, until one gets her while monologuing and chops her fucking head off. But it's okay, because Jason actually survived and decided to watch his mother murder a bunch of innocent teenagers instead of telling her that he's fucking alive, alive enough to watch his mother be beheaded right in front of his disgusting face. However, instead of becoming Batman, he decides to start killing people.

Killing People As SackHead the Killer

Jason then decided to cover up his revolting face, realizing it would give his victims heart attacks before he could actually kill them. But, eventually Jason and his mashed potato sculpture of a face grew tired of his career of folding people into origami, and decides to grow his own personal weed so he can just relax.

Years later, while out getting some fresh air, Jason comes across some douchebag trying to steal his weed. Reasonably upset that someone was trying to steal something he poured his heart and soul into growing, Jason introduces his friend, "Philip the Machete" to the douchebag's face instead of just ripping off his sack and scaring the douchebag off with his inbred face. However, his cockblock senses begin to tingle and he senses people fucking nearby without protection. Wanting to teach them the importance of wearing a condom, Jason stuffs one of them in a sleeping bag and roasts them over an open fire and traps the other in a bear trap.


Doesn't really have one. Has awesome comedic timing though. Though, if you try to steal his weed or have unprotected pre-marital sex, may god help you.

Powers & Abilites


  • Immortality: Straight up refuses to die.
  • Super Strength



  • His Face