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"All Mary Sue characters were created by bad fanfiction writers to compensate for the fact that they all wanted to overpower Chuck Norris in a fight but got met with roundhouse kicks to their faces."
―Chuck Norris Fact

Chuck Norris is the Son of God, making him the third most powerful being in the multiverse after Cookie Monster and God himself. Famous for giving baddies a roundhouse kick to the face, he is without a doubt the most badass being of all time.

Biography

Miraculous Birth

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, the baby Chuck Norris instead decided to roundhouse kick his way out of his mother’s womb. As a matter of fact, Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section by doing just that. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick-related deaths have increased by 13,000%.

Creation of the Universe

In the beginning, there was nothing. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and told it, "Get a job". Thus, the birth of the entire universe.

Deal with the Devil

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the Devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the Devil in the face and took his soul back. The Devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Powers and abilities

"The Cherokee Indians say that if you say [Chuck Norris]'s name 25 times in less than 4 minutes, that he will appear behind you in the mist, riding a Golden Horse. And then he'll roundhouse kick off your head, play hacky sack with it, use it to wipe his ass, and then skullfuck you so hard that it causes an 80-ft tsunami."
―The Ancient Legend of Chuck Norris, according to Deadpool

Powers

  • 3rd Hand: There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
  • Fatal Bite: Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
  • Miracle Worker: Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.
  • Roundhouse Kick: Newton's Third Law is wrong. Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. In fact, scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick). If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes. And if that's not enough, Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
  • Super Speed: Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill. It also takes him 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
  • Super Strength: When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing the Earth down.

Abilities

  • Fast Metabolism: Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
  • Mathematical Genius: Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice. He can also divide by 0.
  • Omnipresence: If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
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